Tag Archives: mentalhealth



You ever been in a situation that has made you so angry at someone’s stupidity and blindness to what they are doing? That’s me right now, so prepare yourself for a bitchy rant. I’m not much of a bitcher, but this has really annoyed me so I’m going to get it out.

Oxford dictionary defines manipulation as the control or influence over a person or situation cleverly or unscrupulously, which sums it up pretty well but its much more than that. It is a very dangerous tool that people have learned to master in order to get what they want. The reason I’m bringing this up now is because a friend of mine had recently broken up with her boyfriend, a complete and utter tool who controlled her every move. Apart from going to work, she’s not allowed to go out and live her life without his permission. He had to know where she was, what she was doing and who she was with 24/7 and if she did something without his say so, he’d twist the situation around and make her feel like she was in the wrong and so she’d apologise to him, beg for his forgiveness. Now that is manipulation. Anyway, they broke up because she couldn’t stand it anymore- understandable and we all stood by her. However, after a drunken evening at my place she foolishly invited him round, took him up to my bed room and had a quick fling. In my bed. Needless to say they were kicked out before either of them could button up their jeans, but now I’m in a really tough situation.

On the one hand, she was very drunk, unaware of what she was doing and didn’t purposely have sex with him in my bed (he has made it apparent to me that it was him that suggested it) and I’m more than sure that he is a manipulative bastard who will have told her what she wanted to hear in the moment. Probably promised her he’s changed or some other bullshit but when you’re drunk any form of positive comment can give you the urge to whip of their clothes.

On the other hand, she has shown a complete and utter lack of respect for me, but more importantly herself. And I’m not just talking about having sex in someone else’s bed, but also getting back together with someone who tried to control her every move. We’ve tried talking to her about it before- she’s stunning and could do so much better- yet she settles for this low life who has got her into smoking and convinces her to shag in inappropriate places. Not only this, but she hasn’t apologised to me for her actions. The boy has sent me a long winded and incredibly patronising message apologising on her behalf, but honestly if she was a decent friend and a good person at least then she should have the decency to at least show some regret for what she has done. Having said that, no amount of “sorry” will get the image of his balls on my bed sheet out of my head. I had to sleep in that bed for Christ sake.

Anyway, this wasn’t just intended for a rant, although I do feel a lot better having got that off my chest. I have been on the receiving end of a manipulative relationship for a very long time. The funny and incredibly ironic danger is I didn’t know it was happening. That’s how good he was at it. For years things went on and because I was told it was fine- it was fine. Fortunately I don’t have to live with it any more, although I’m afraid the effects of this on my mental health will probably be long term, but it really does make you think. If you were living with someone who made you do something that wasn’t pleasant or natural in any way, but at the same time showed you love and attention that you crave at a young age- does it become ok? I know now that it wasn’t ok, but had it have carried on would I be any different, would I still be blind to how wrong it was? Scary to think, and that’s what I’m worried about with my friend. She says they’ve got into fights bad enough that there has been physical violence. And that’s definitely not ok.

I don’t know, I’m at cross roads. I want to talk to her and try to convince her that she can do better and what he’s done/doing isn’t acceptable or normal in any relationship. I want her to be happy and she’d definitely not happy the majority of the time their together. But at the same time, she doesn’t seem to want help. I’ve talked to her before and told her that she doesn’t have to put up with this stalking and obsessive behaviour and she’s agreed 100%, but goes straight back to him and invites him back with open arms. She loves him, its a weird love that I can only describe as she loves the undivided- and I mean undivided attention she gets, which is scarily similar to how I felt. I don’t think she’ll ever leave him. Its just incredibly frustrating seeing what’s happened to me before happen to someone else and they don’t want to get out. The best way I can deal with this is exclude myself from the situation, if I cant see it- it wont bring back those memories. Even if that means losing a friend.

But hey, what type of friend shags their ex butt naked in their mates bed anyway? No friend of mine.

Calorie counting- no more.



I hear that quote thrown around a lot, meaninglessly, without actually stopping to think about its relevance let alone how god damn true it is.

Today really is the first day of the rest of my life. I woke up this morning feeling incredibly motivated, I thought how much I have accomplished over the past year since I started my recovery from my eating disorder, and also what I have accomplished in my life in general so far. I have broken in a dangerous horse who is now safe to ride and have had the courage to pass him on to someone who has more time to care for him that I do. I have survived another horrible divorce in my family and managed to come out the other side stronger than before. I am battling the demons in my head and surely winning. I am becoming more confident in my body and mind, so much that I plucked up the courage to ignore my social anxiety and get myself a job. A job I love and am working with amazing people and earning a lot of money. I have a car and am sure to pass my test in a few weeks. I am doing well in school and have admitted to myself that although I may not have done aswell as I’d have liked in my final Geography exam, I can retake it next year. I have goals and aims for the future and I’m not looking back.

So what else can I do? Work on improving myself. Now I’m an advocate for self love and that’s something I’m definitely learning to do at the moment, but in order to achieve this I have to overcome one final demon in my life. Calorie counting.

At the start of recovery I found this a very successful tool in helping me gain weight, my views of a healthy portion were so distorted that I honestly couldn’t actually tell what was a healthy amount. But now I’m a year into it and 4 pounds off my goal weight, I have realised what happens when I’m classed as “healthy”? They’ll discharge me, they’ll forget about me, and I’ll keep going as usual. Calorie counting for the rest of my life. Do I want to grow old with pointless numbers rattling around my head, half of which are not accurate anyway? And what do they actually matter? If I go over my goal one day will I gain weight, or if I go under my goal one day will I lose it? Maybe, but it will even out, because our bodies are smarter than we give them credit- they know exactly where the next calorie will go and what it will do.

So yeah, if you’re starting recovery and are concerned for your health then go ahead, but it will become an obsession. For me and many others I’m sure, you no longer focus on the food you’re eating but the calories that are going in. The food on you’re plate loses its taste as you only see the digits you consume. Unexpected meals or snacks out with friends and family become a nightmare for fear that you’ll go over your limit. You ignore your hunger cues and find your self eating a high calorie snack that you don’t necessarily enjoy after a low calorie but filling meal that was not satisfying in the slightest just to get to your goal.

I sat here this morning, pondering this and finally admitted to myself that I am obsessed with counting calories in a last minute attempt for my anorexia to gain some control over my diet. If I continue with this until I’m weight restored- I will never be free.Yes, I have a problem, so I have decided that today is the first day of the rest of my life. Today I choose to count absolutely no calories, do a light workout and see how I feel. I got up, exhilarated at the thought of being free at last and for the first time in 3 years, poured myself a bowl of

My first non counted meal in 3 years...

My first non counted meal in 3 years…

crunchy nut and chopped up a banana and sloshed on a healthy serving of milk. Was it scary? Of course! It took me 2 minutes to prepare, compared to how long it would have taken to measure and weigh everything and work it out on my calculator. I was able to sit in bed and enjoy what I was eating and surprisingly enough, there had been no anxiety or guilt as of yet. The only feeling I’m experiencing right now is pride. I am ready for this, I want this vile bitch out of my life for ever. I am ready to let go and I think that’s something I only half wanted before.

My advice for anyone struggling with letting go? Don’t stop unless you are 100% sure you want it out of your life. I’ll be honest- if you only half want it (like anything else in life) you won’t do it properly, and you’ll more than likely go backwards. So make sure you want it, you’re doing it for you not to make other people happy, and go for it, even if you’re scared. I promise the power you’ll feel from regaining control will outweigh the fear. Go for it. Be free.

All my love!IMG_2511[1]