Category Archives: Thoughts

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In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Brain Power.”

  • I’d use 20% to store more bloody knowledge, I always say that when I’m learning new things I can feel something else falling out which really isn’t useful right now.
  • 30% dedicated to getting some sort of power, probably flight because how insane would that be.
  • 20% would be used to reverse climate change.
  • 10% would be used to bring back species that have been wiped out from human interference.
  • 5% would be used to learn how to paint with water colour properly- I could probably do it now but just don’t have the time or energy to be honest.
  • 5% would be used to teach myself to sleep during the day and whenever I want at night. I swear I lose at least an hour each night trying to get to sleep in the first place and then waking up like 300 times because I heard my Mum break wind next door.

Let’s assume we do, in fact, use only 10% of our brain. If you could unlock the remaining 90%, what would you do with it?

New Years Resolutions

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I love new year. I know there’s a huge population of people who don’t take them serious and believe that you shouldn’t wait for January the 1st to make a change, but for me and many others I’m sure, the idea of a “fresh start” is the right motivation to make any type of changes or plans and stick to them.

Last year I kept my resolutions minimal because I’d been having a pretty rough time and I knew that if I didn’t stick to them I’d just feel even worse about my self, but I think I managed to hit them all very well…

  1. To become more independent. Well, in June I got my first real job that is well paid and has left me with a very healthy bank balance and a group of new friends, and a confidence that I can talk to/ work with new people and take care of my self. Passing my driving test in September, owning a car and paying for everything myself has also been a major aspect of this year and is one of the things I’m most grateful for.
  2. To remove “toxic” relationships. At the beginning of last year I was still in contact with my ex-step dad and I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do, I just missed him. Over the year I have learned to realise when a person is taking advantage and when they are genuine, which is something I have struggled with for a long time because I basically am a people pleaser. If someone needs a hand with something I will offer it even if it doesn’t benefit me at all or means me going out of my way, but people will take advantage of you and see you as a push over. I stopped talking to my step dad and have cut ties with old friends who only talk to me now for lifts around or whatever, which has saved me a small fortune in petrol as well… two birds one stone.
  3. Get my self-esteem back. Speaks for itself, I was in a complete rut this time last year. Not making an effort to go out and enjoy myself,hating my appearance and my personality.Its fair to say I’ve nailed this one on the head. I still have bad days, but going out is something I enjoy now and overall my opinion of myself is x10 better than it was.

So just to sum up my resolutions for this year…

  1. Travel to a new place. Already have plans for this one! Am off to Iceland in March with my Geography class. Paid for my ticket myself, which was only possible thanks to my job at Iceland (the irony). I also have 3 weeks work experience in June at Gweek in Cornwall which I’m so excited for.
  2. Go to more concerts. Have plans for this one too! Have a weekend planned in February for my boyfriend*** and I for my 18th birthday to see the script at the LG and then we are staying in the Hilton hotel, its going to be very odd as we aren’t a sophisticated couple in the slightest, we think a meal in Nando’s is high class haha. I’m determined to see One Republic as well when they next tour.
  3. Keep track of my bank account. Isn’t it customary to have a boring practical resolution? I never keep m my receipts or check anything in my account which is tres stupide.
  4. Don’t have a complete breakdown over A levels. Probably the most important, I always put way too much pressure on myself and it never ends positively, this year I’m going to work hard and do my best, but not kill myself over exams.
  5. Get back to my creative side. Since sixth form work, revision and trying to fit in any form of social life has made doing anything creative impossible. I used to write believe it or not, when I was about 13 my favourite hobby was writing and I wrote a novel about a girl called Lacey Jones and I got very into it and was genuinely quite sad when I had finished and even began a sequel. So I think it might be nice to give that another go, as well as get back to drawing (and blog more!)

So yeah, 2015 appears to be a pretty good year if all go’s to plan!

*** little catch up with the boyfriend situation, we decided we’d give it another go on Christmas Eve. I’m not going to lie and say I am delighted yet (purely based on how I was being treated in the run up to our breakup), but I do know that I love the bones of that boy, and we have gotten through a lot worse so we can do this no problemo…

Manipulation.

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You ever been in a situation that has made you so angry at someone’s stupidity and blindness to what they are doing? That’s me right now, so prepare yourself for a bitchy rant. I’m not much of a bitcher, but this has really annoyed me so I’m going to get it out.

Oxford dictionary defines manipulation as the control or influence over a person or situation cleverly or unscrupulously, which sums it up pretty well but its much more than that. It is a very dangerous tool that people have learned to master in order to get what they want. The reason I’m bringing this up now is because a friend of mine had recently broken up with her boyfriend, a complete and utter tool who controlled her every move. Apart from going to work, she’s not allowed to go out and live her life without his permission. He had to know where she was, what she was doing and who she was with 24/7 and if she did something without his say so, he’d twist the situation around and make her feel like she was in the wrong and so she’d apologise to him, beg for his forgiveness. Now that is manipulation. Anyway, they broke up because she couldn’t stand it anymore- understandable and we all stood by her. However, after a drunken evening at my place she foolishly invited him round, took him up to my bed room and had a quick fling. In my bed. Needless to say they were kicked out before either of them could button up their jeans, but now I’m in a really tough situation.

On the one hand, she was very drunk, unaware of what she was doing and didn’t purposely have sex with him in my bed (he has made it apparent to me that it was him that suggested it) and I’m more than sure that he is a manipulative bastard who will have told her what she wanted to hear in the moment. Probably promised her he’s changed or some other bullshit but when you’re drunk any form of positive comment can give you the urge to whip of their clothes.

On the other hand, she has shown a complete and utter lack of respect for me, but more importantly herself. And I’m not just talking about having sex in someone else’s bed, but also getting back together with someone who tried to control her every move. We’ve tried talking to her about it before- she’s stunning and could do so much better- yet she settles for this low life who has got her into smoking and convinces her to shag in inappropriate places. Not only this, but she hasn’t apologised to me for her actions. The boy has sent me a long winded and incredibly patronising message apologising on her behalf, but honestly if she was a decent friend and a good person at least then she should have the decency to at least show some regret for what she has done. Having said that, no amount of “sorry” will get the image of his balls on my bed sheet out of my head. I had to sleep in that bed for Christ sake.

Anyway, this wasn’t just intended for a rant, although I do feel a lot better having got that off my chest. I have been on the receiving end of a manipulative relationship for a very long time. The funny and incredibly ironic danger is I didn’t know it was happening. That’s how good he was at it. For years things went on and because I was told it was fine- it was fine. Fortunately I don’t have to live with it any more, although I’m afraid the effects of this on my mental health will probably be long term, but it really does make you think. If you were living with someone who made you do something that wasn’t pleasant or natural in any way, but at the same time showed you love and attention that you crave at a young age- does it become ok? I know now that it wasn’t ok, but had it have carried on would I be any different, would I still be blind to how wrong it was? Scary to think, and that’s what I’m worried about with my friend. She says they’ve got into fights bad enough that there has been physical violence. And that’s definitely not ok.

I don’t know, I’m at cross roads. I want to talk to her and try to convince her that she can do better and what he’s done/doing isn’t acceptable or normal in any relationship. I want her to be happy and she’d definitely not happy the majority of the time their together. But at the same time, she doesn’t seem to want help. I’ve talked to her before and told her that she doesn’t have to put up with this stalking and obsessive behaviour and she’s agreed 100%, but goes straight back to him and invites him back with open arms. She loves him, its a weird love that I can only describe as she loves the undivided- and I mean undivided attention she gets, which is scarily similar to how I felt. I don’t think she’ll ever leave him. Its just incredibly frustrating seeing what’s happened to me before happen to someone else and they don’t want to get out. The best way I can deal with this is exclude myself from the situation, if I cant see it- it wont bring back those memories. Even if that means losing a friend.

But hey, what type of friend shags their ex butt naked in their mates bed anyway? No friend of mine.

Sexuality.

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The topic for todays post literally came to me in a dream. I don’t mean an old goat appeared on a mountain during sunset and spoke the words, “Abi, I need you to write about something very important, tell the world how you feel about sexual labels”. No, you see, for the past couple of days I have been searching for a new distraction from the insane boredom and anxiety that hits in when I’m not kept busy, and regretfully I have become a Netflix addict. First it was Breaking Bad (which was bloody brilliant with its plot and characters however the ending didn’t thrill me), and now I’m hooked on Orange is the new Black. For those living normal functioning lives who aren’t dependant on a series to maintain their already flagging sanity, OITNB is about an engaged woman Piper who goes to prison for helping her girlfriend Alex move a hefty amount of drug money into the country. Anyway they haven’t seen each other in 10 years and are shocked to see each other in the same prison. To keep things short they rekindle their lesbian love which  gets them in a lot of shit with anti-gay prison guards, Jesus loving hillbillies who try to kill them and Pipers fiancé funnily enough.

So anyway I bring this up because in my dream I was in that prison too, and without getting to graphic I was involved in a lesbian relationship. This isn’t the first lesbian thought that has crossed my mind, from a very young age I thought I was different from other girls. I remember going on holiday to Cyprus when I was 12 and meeting a very beautiful girl who was 3 years older. She had it all, she had a boyfriend who blessed the ground she walked on, she was beautiful and had an amazing figure. I just remember speaking to her the once at dinner time when we were at the buffet, she said she liked my dress. It wasn’t much but it was enough. I wasn’t in love with her or anything, maybe I didn’t even fancy her. All I can recall is watching her whilst she swam and wanting to join her, seeing her laugh made me wish it was me who made her happy. When she danced with her boyfriend I felt sick with envy. Maybe that was it? It was all just jealousy because she was perfect and I wasn’t in my eyes, that would be the more probable explanation- I wanted to be her. But that fiction wouldn’t explain how I felt when I returned home, normally when someone is jealous of someone else, when the other person is out of their life they are relieved and can start to become content in their own lives again. But me, I felt sad that I hadn’t spoken to her more, become friends with her, kept in contact. I missed her.

Some would say that makes me a lesbian, or at least interested in becoming one. I say something different. This feeling for the girl in Cyprus I then felt for a boy I had a holiday romance with in Turkey at 14, and again with my current boyfriend now. There was a spark there for me, and I don’t doubt that what I felt was the beginning of love. So I bisexual yes? I mean its obvious, I have a boyfriend but I like girls too? Whenever I get asked about my sexuality, I always tick “I don’t know” because there is no option for what I am, which is completely normal.

I don’t believe that we humans are attracted to each other according to sex, I think that we are drawn in due to looks and personality among many other factors. Yes we see a person first and register if they are a boy or a girl and would approach the member of the opposite sex, but why do we do that? Say you walk into a room, there is a girl and a boy sitting there. Both are attractive but one has a vile personality whilst the other is perfectly matched to yours. Primal instinct makes you approach the person of the opposite sex, because that’s what we have to do to survive. We meet a person and have children to keep our species going. You discover that they have a horrible personality and begin to back off, confirming that your relationship with them will go no further. Most would then joke to the other person about how that just went, before noticing that this other person is a much nicer sole to be around. You realise that you have two options and this is when people begin to branch off.  a) You let the conversation flow, see how it goes and pursue the relationship in the future, or b) You become friends and nothing more, perhaps don’t even speak again. In the modern times we live in today, it is much more acceptable to be with someone of the same gender, there aren’t as many things that would get in the way; marriage is now legal and children are available to adopt. The question you have to ask yourself is “would I rather be happy with this person for the rest of my life potentially, or do I plod on with my blinkers on and look for a man/woman to settle down with and have a normal life.” People looking to get through life with little fuss will chose the latter, but those of us who want to make the most of it and make ripples in their wake will mostly chose the first and that is what I believe.

So what, you like girls? You like boys? You like both? That makes you normal. You are a person looking for happiness and you have found it in another person. We are social creatures and does it really matter the gender of who we end up with as long as they make us eternally happy? No. The words gay, lesbian, bisexual and heterosexual should not be used as labels, because that limits our options with everything. Making friends, getting a job and even finding love. Personally I think everyone should drift through life with their minds and hearts open and just find someone they are attracted to by their characteristics- be that physical and philosophical, regardless of their gender.

Me personally, am normal. I like people based on these things, not their sex. And quite frankly the world would be a less judgemental place if their were more people with that attitude.